IDENTITY: Who Am I? [Part 2: Defining Your Values]

In my previous post I highlighted the importance of values and how these can serve as somewhat of a compass in our lives.

We said that when there's a correlation between your actions/behaviour and your values, you generally have a sense of satisfaction and contentment. However, when there's a misalignment with your personal values, that's when things feel disjointed and just plain wrong. This can be a real source of unhappiness. For this reasons, making a conscious effort to identify your values is important.

So, how do you identify said values? There's different ways, of course, but below is a general guide.

When you define your personal values, you discover what's truly important to you. A good way of starting to do this is to look back on your life – to identify when you felt really good, and really confident that you were making good choices.

Step 1: Can you remember the times when you were happiest?

Think of examples from both your career and personal life. This will ensure some balance in your answers.

• What were you doing?

• Were you with other people? Who?

• What other factors contributed to your happiness?

Step 2: Can you remember the times when you were most proud?

Once again, think of examples from your career and personal life.

• Why were you proud?

• Did other people share your pride? Who?

• What other factors contributed to your feelings of pride?

Step 3: Can you remember the times when you were most fulfilled and satisfied?

Again, use both work and personal examples.

• What need or desire was fulfilled?

• How and why did the experience give your life meaning?

• What other factors contributed to your feelings of fulfilment?

Step 4: Determine your top values, based on your experiences of happiness, pride, and fulfillment

Why is each experience truly important and memorable? In my last post I listed a very basic list of common core values...I've included it below for your convenience...

From the list choose what you believe are y our top 10 values (come of them may overlap...You may want to add some not listed).

Step 5: Prioritize your top values

This is going to take some deep introspection. While this step may not be the easiest, it's probably the most important step. When making a decision, you'll have to choose between solutions that may satisfy different values. This is when you must know which value is more important to you.

• Write down your top values, not in any particular order.

• Look at the first two values and ask yourself, "If I could satisfy only one of these, which would I choose?" Perhaps, visualize a situation in which you would have to make that choice. For example:

- "I value service and I value stability"

- "Do I sell up my home (stability) and move abroad to foreign aid work (service), or do I keep the house (stability) and volunteer to do charity work closer to home (service)."

• Keep working through the list, by comparing each value with each other value, until your list is in the correct order.

Step 6: Reaffirm your values

Check your top-priority values, and make sure that they fit with your life and your vision for yourself.

• Do these values make you feel good about yourself?

• Are you proud of your top three values?

• Would you be comfortable and proud to tell your values to people you respect and admire?

• Do these values represent things you would support, even if your choice isn't popular, and it puts you in the minority?

When you consider your values in decision making, your sense of integrity will be intact, you will be true to yourself, and approach decisions with confidence and clarity. You'll also know that what you're doing is best for your current and future happiness and satisfaction.

Making value-based choices may not always be easy. However, making a choice that you know is right is a lot less difficult in the long run.

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CORE VALUES LIST

Accountability - Accuracy - Achievement - Adventurousness - Altruism - Ambition

Balance - Being the best - Belonging - Boldness

Calmness - Carefulness - Challenge - Cheerfulness - Clear-mindedness - Commitment

Decisiveness - Dependability - Determination - Devoutness - Diligence - Discipline

Elegance - Empathy - Enjoyment - Enthusiasm - Equality - Excellence - Excitement

Fairness - Faith - Family - Fidelity - Fitness - Fluency - Focus - Freedom - Fun

Goodness - Grace - Growth - Generosity

Happiness - Hard Work - Health - Helping Society - Holiness - Honesty - Honour

Independence - Ingenuity - Inner Harmony - Inquisitiveness - Insightfulness - Intelligence

Joy - Justice

Leadership - Legacy - Love - Loyalty

Making a difference - Mastery - Merit

Obedience - Openness - Order - Originality

Patriotism - Perfection - Piety - Positivity - Practicality - Preparedness - Professionalism

Quality-orientation

Reliability - Resourcefulness - Restraint - Religion - Rigour

Security - Self-control - Selflessness - Sensitivity - Serenity - Service - Shrewdness - Simplicity

Teamwork - Temperance -Thankfulness - Thoroughness - Thoughtfulness - Timeliness

Understanding - Uniqueness - Unity - Usefulness

Vision - Vitality - Versatility

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Keep a look out for my next post on 'Setting Values-based Intentions'.

Till next time...Godspeed as you navigate this journey of life!

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If you, or someone you know are in need of an empathetic listening ear, give us a call at Samway Counselling Services see how we are able to help.

Contact Now

IDENTITY: Who Am I? [Part 1: The Importance of Values]

How would you define your values?

This is an important question to be able to answer. Of course, it's even more important to firstly understand what we mean when we speak of values.

What are values?

Your values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work. So, your priorities are pretty much (or should be) determined by them. Deep down, they're probably the gauge by which you determine if your life is heading in the direction that you want it to.

When there's a correlation between your actions/behaviour and your values, you generally have a sense of satisfaction and contentment. However, when there's a misalignment with your personal values, that's when things feel disjointed and just plain wrong. This can be a real source of unhappiness. For this reasons, making a conscious effort to identify your values is important.

How Values Help You

Your values serve as a compass

Understanding your values can really help because when you know your own values, you can use them to make decisions about how to live your life, and you can answer questions like these:

• What job should I pursue?

• Should I accept this promotion?

• Should I start my own business?

• Should I compromise, or be firm with my position?

• Should I relocate, or stay close to my ageing parents?

So, take the time to understand the real priorities in your life, and you'll be able to determine the best direction for you and your life goals!

Values can change over time

Keeping in touch with your values is a lifelong exercise, because as you grow and change in different seasons of your life, so too may your values. While they are pretty stable, it does not mean they will never change. You should continuously revisit this, especially if you start to feel unbalanced... and you can't quite figure out why.

In a separate post, I will walk you through some steps to determine and define your values. For now, have a look at the list of core values below. This list is by no means exhaustive but it's a good start especially if you have trouble naming those things that are important to you. Highlight any values from the list that jump out at you.

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CORE VALUES LIST

Accountability - Accuracy - Achievement - Adventurousness - Altruism - Ambition

Balance - Being the best - Belonging - Boldness

Calmness - Carefulness - Challenge - Cheerfulness - Clear-mindedness - Commitment

Decisiveness - Dependability - Determination - Devoutness - Diligence - Discipline

Elegance - Empathy - Enjoyment - Enthusiasm - Equality - Excellence - Excitement

Fairness - Faith - Family - Fidelity - Fitness - Fluency - Focus - Freedom - Fun

Goodness - Grace - Growth - Generosity

Happiness - Hard Work - Health - Helping Society - Holiness - Honesty - Honour

Independence - Ingenuity - Inner Harmony - Inquisitiveness - Insightfulness - Intelligence

Joy - Justice

Leadership - Legacy - Love - Loyalty

Making a difference - Mastery - Merit

Obedience - Openness - Order - Originality

Patriotism - Perfection - Piety - Positivity - Practicality - Preparedness - Professionalism

Quality-orientation

Reliability - Resourcefulness - Restraint - Religion - Rigour

Security - Self-control - Selflessness - Sensitivity - Serenity - Service - Shrewdness - Simplicity

Teamwork - Temperance -Thankfulness - Thoroughness - Thoughtfulness - Timeliness

Understanding - Uniqueness - Unity - Usefulness

Vision - Vitality - Versatility

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Keep a look out for my next post on 'defining your values'.

Till next time...Godspeed as you navigate this journey of life!

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If you, or someone you know are in need of an empathetic listening ear, give us a call at Samway Counselling Services see how we are able to help.

Contact Now

Toxic Masculinity ['Cowboys Do Cry!']

“Toughen up, Princess!l” “Man up!” “Cowboys don’t cry!”

These are/were slogans often cast in the direction of boys or men expressing emotions. We are expected to be tough and always put on a brave front.

In recent years, the phrase “toxic masculinity“ has become a growing buzzword. What exactly is toxic masculinity?

In years gone by, if words like macho, red-blooded, stoic, were used to describe them, men were held in high esteem. Being a 'man’s man' or a 'real bloke' were terms often used to highlight the traits that made the man. However, the underlying negative and dangerous mechanisms that come with these “old-school” descriptions have become increasingly apparent in recent years.

What is Toxic Masculinity?

The phrase and concept of toxic masculinity emerged from mythopoetic men’s movement of the 80s and 90s. From here the phrase was adopted into classroom studies and university discourse.

Popular and media discussions in the 2010’s have used the term to refer to traditional and stereotypical norms of masculinity and manhood. According to the sociologist Michael Flood, these include "expectations that boys and men must be active, aggressive, tough, daring, and dominant".[4]

But what does toxic masculinity look like in action? Research defines it as behaviours that include, amongst others:

• Violence

• Aggression

• Bullying and harassment

• Homophobia

• Misogyny

• Refusing to seek help when struggling (mentally or physically)

• Engaging in risky behaviour that might cause harm to oneself or others

• Engaging in unhealthy behaviour, like smoking and drinking

• Suppressing emotions

• Masking distress

• Maintaining an appearance of toughness, and violence as an indicator of power (ie., “tough guy” behaviour)

Phrases are often thrown around along the lines of

• “toughen up princess!”

• “cowboys don’t cry!”

• “toughen up/man up”

Views like these can take root in the fertile soil of boys’ minds during puberty. Their tears and expression of emotions are met with statements such as ‘stop complaining like a little girl’. Eventually, the irrational and unhelpful belief is formulated that girls cry. Boys don’t. Boys are tough. If a boy cries, he is like a girl.

Toxic masculinity also refers to the idea that certain men have a habit of objectifying women and feeling superior to women. And perhaps the biggest problem with toxic masculinity is the idea that somehow all of this is perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour and that “boys will be boys.” A simple look at the MeToo movement offers a glimpse of just how dangerous this behaviour and mindset can be.

Who Does Toxic Masculinity Hurt the Most?

The almost automatic response would be to say that toxic masculinity hurts women the most. After all, it is women who are “treated as second-class citizens and objectified” because of toxic masculinity and the “patriarchal society” from which it stems.

No doubt the effects on society and women in general can be horrendous and inexcusable!

However, the suffering that men undergo as a result of the very concept of toxic masculinity, cannot be undermined or denied.

When you think about it, both roles of men and women have changed over the last 50+ years. Women have become more empowered and have been invited to embrace their independence and strength. However, young men continue to receive mixed messages. What is and is no longer acceptable seems to be ever-changing. At times it seems the war isn’t just against “toxic” masculinity, but masculinity in general. What does it even mean to be masculine these days and how are men supposed to navigate these tricky waters?

For many men this can be a difficult question to answer and with the remaining stigma in Western culture, many men are left to suffer in silence.

Who am I?

Indentity Confusion

Many men are hurting right now, confused as to what the role and identity is in this modern world. This, in turn, impacts the relationships men have with the women in their life and the family they create. There can be devastating ripple effects – everything from substance abuse, addiction, infidelity, domestic violence, and emotional child abuse and neglect.

Why Counselling?

Therapy/counselling focused on men's issues can offer men an accepting, non-judgmental environment to explore their feelings and uncertainties and to develop their inner character. Working with a therapist can give men the opportunity to communicate what their mind is telling them and make sense of the conflicting messages they often get from society.

Clarifying what's really important to him (values) and honing in on his natural and true strengths, the male client begins to understand what 'being a man' really looks like - not one that is forced into some erroneous macho mould by society, but one who is guided and even driven by a sense of purpose and true accomplishment - success not measured by achievement, power-wielding and put-others-down competitiveness, but instead success that comes with know that one is doing what one has been placed on this earth to do.

#mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #mensissues #maleissues #counselling #therapy #onlinecounselling