“Toughen up, Princess!l” “Man up!” “Cowboys don’t cry!”
These are/were slogans often cast in the direction of boys or men expressing emotions. We are expected to be tough and always put on a brave front.
In recent years, the phrase “toxic masculinity“ has become a growing buzzword. What exactly is toxic masculinity?
In years gone by, if words like macho, red-blooded, stoic, were used to describe them, men were held in high esteem. Being a 'man’s man' or a 'real bloke' were terms often used to highlight the traits that made the man. However, the underlying negative and dangerous mechanisms that come with these “old-school” descriptions have become increasingly apparent in recent years.
What is Toxic Masculinity?
The phrase and concept of toxic masculinity emerged from mythopoetic men’s movement of the 80s and 90s. From here the phrase was adopted into classroom studies and university discourse.
Popular and media discussions in the 2010’s have used the term to refer to traditional and stereotypical norms of masculinity and manhood. According to the sociologist Michael Flood, these include "expectations that boys and men must be active, aggressive, tough, daring, and dominant".[4]
But what does toxic masculinity look like in action? Research defines it as behaviours that include, amongst others:
Bullying and harassment
Refusing to seek help when struggling (mentally or physically)
Engaging in risky behaviour that might cause harm to oneself or others
Engaging in unhealthy behaviour, like smoking and drinking
Suppressing emotions
Masking distress
Maintaining an appearance of toughness, and violence as an indicator of power (ie., “tough guy” behaviour)
Phrases are often thrown around along the lines of
“toughen up princess!”
“cowboys don’t cry!”
“toughen up/man up”
Views like these can take root in the fertile soil of boys’ minds during puberty. Their tears and expression of emotions are met with statements such as ‘stop complaining like a little girl’. Eventually, the irrational and unhelpful belief is formulated that girls cry. Boys don’t. Boys are tough. If a boy cries, he is like a girl.
Toxic masculinity also refers to the idea that certain men have a habit of objectifying women and feeling superior to women. And perhaps the biggest problem with toxic masculinity is the idea that somehow all of this is perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour and that “boys will be boys.” A simple look at the MeToo movement offers a glimpse of just how dangerous this behaviour and mindset can be.
Who Does Toxic Masculinity Hurt the Most?
The almost automatic response would be to say that toxic masculinity hurts women the most. After all, it is women who are “treated as second-class citizens and objectified” because of toxic masculinity and the “patriarchal society” from which it stems.
No doubt the effects on society and women in general can be horrendous and inexcusable!
However, the suffering that men undergo as a result of the very concept of toxic masculinity, cannot be undermined or denied.
When you think about it, both roles of men and women have changed over the last 50+ years. Women have become more empowered and have been invited to embrace their independence and strength. However, young men continue to receive mixed messages. What is and is no longer acceptable seems to be ever-changing. At times it seems the war isn’t just against “toxic” masculinity, but masculinity in general. What does it even mean to be masculine these days and how are men supposed to navigate these tricky waters?
For many men this can be a difficult question to answer and with the remaining stigma in Western culture, many men are left to suffer in silence.
Indentity Confusion
Many men are hurting right now, confused as to what the role and identity is in this modern world. This, in turn, impacts the relationships men have with the women in their life and the family they create. There can be devastating ripple effects – everything from substance abuse, addiction, infidelity, domestic violence, and emotional child abuse and neglect.
Why Counselling?
Therapy/counselling focused on men's issues can offer men an accepting, non-judgmental environment to explore their feelings and uncertainties and to develop their inner character. Working with a therapist can give men the opportunity to communicate what their mind is telling them and make sense of the conflicting messages they often get from society.
Clarifying what's really important to him (values) and honing in on his natural and true strengths, the male client begins to understand what 'being a man' really looks like - not one that is forced into some erroneous macho mould by society, but one who is guided and even driven by a sense of purpose and true accomplishment - success not measured by achievement, power-wielding and put-others-down competitiveness, but instead success that comes with know that one is doing what one has been placed on this earth to do.
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