Grief: When it's difficult to say 'Good-bye'

We all experience loss in life, seasons of change where that which we were once used to, is no longer there - a loved one who used to sit across from us at the dinner table, a faithful pet that would run to meet us when we got home from work; a family home that we were forced to sell due to changing circumstances. When that loss occurs, we are left having to process the void, the emptiness, the grief.

What is Grief?

Very often, grief is associated only with the death of a loved one. While death is certainly a major cause of grief, grief is a natural response to any form of loss.

• the loss of a loved one,

• the loss of a relationship (eg. divorce),

• the loss of a pregnancy (eg. miscarriage),

• the loss of a pet,

• the loss of a job

• the loss of a certain way of life;

• children leaving home,

• infertility

• separation from friends and family (eg. immigration, moving interstate, etc)

These can all constitute losses in their own right, and hence, can be accompanied by grief.

Of course, the greater the loss, the more intense the grief is likely to be.

What are some effects of grief?

Grief can affect different areas of one's life:

• emotions,

• thoughts

• behaviour

• beliefs

• physical health

• sense of self and identity

• relationships with others.

Some common feelings associated with grief, include sadness, anger, anxiousness, shock, regret, relief, being overwhelmed, isolation, irritability or numbness.

How is grief expressed?

Grief is expressed in many ways and has no set pattern. It is experienced differently from person to person and even from culture to culture. Timeframes for grieving vary from weeks and months for some, to many years for others. What this means for you if you are struggling through a season of grief, is that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve. Be patient with yourself, give yourself time to heal; there is no need to rush the process. The key, however, is that despite the pain you are feeling, you have a general sense of moving forward in that grief. Are new helpful habits being formed around your loss? Are you finding new ways of 'doing life' in a meaningful way, despite the loss?

How is grief processed/worked through?

As mentioned before, grief looks different for different people. It is important, whatever that season looks like for you, to have the support of others (eg. friends, family, colleagues, a counsellor); an empathetic listening ear to talk to about your loss and to unpack the feelings that are being felt as a result.

How can a counsellor help me process my grief?

A professional counsellor/therapist will come alongside you and journey with you in your season of grief. Through empathetic listening and engaging, your therapist will help you find healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can renew you and permit you to move forward.

He/she will help you become aware of any intrusive, unhelpful thoughts and also identify and work through some of the resultant emotions.

What can I do to help myself?

• Don’t be afraid to reach out.

• Talk to someone (friends, family, spiritual leader, professional counsellor, etc) about how you are feeling.

• Look after your physical health. In this exhausting and draining time, it's important to eat a healthy diet, to exercise and to sleep.

• Manage current stress and minimise potential stressors. Remember to reach out and ask for help with chores, etc.

• What do you enjoy doing? (writing, drawing, walking on the beach?) Well, do it. You may not always feel like it in this season, do it anyway.

How can I help someone who is experiencing grief and loss?

In a nutshell, just be there! You don't have to have the right words to say, in fact at times, the less said the better. A simple offer of love and support can go a long way.

• Ask how they're feeling (and then be willing to genuinely listen to their response).

• It's OK to engage in 'small talk', or subject matter other than their loss.

• Offer some practical help (doing the shopping, cooking a meal, offering to do something enjoyable with them, etc).

• Encourage them to speak to a counsellor or their GP if they need it.

If you are facing a difficult season of grief, remember that this, like any other season, will pass - it may not look like it now - and you can and will be OK. Be kind to yourself! Allow yourself the time needed. Reach out - there are people willing to help.

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If you or someone you know can do with an empathetic listening ear, do contact Samway Counselling Services today and let's journey together:

Telephone/ Text/ Whatsapp: 0432 816 005

Web: www.samwaycounselling.com.au

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How to Choose the Best Therapist For You

We all need a listening ear from time to time. Sometimes that listening ear needs to be that of a professional counsellor/therapist.

There are many good counsellors/therapists out there - a quick search on any reputable directory like Psychologytoday.com will soon confirm this - many counsellors and psychotherapists who have your best interests at heart. When you find yourself in need of a counsellor - going through a rough patch or just need a listening ear as you navigate your way through some key decisions - the question that needs to be answered as you wade through the long list of therapeutic possibilities, is:

"How do I choose the best therapist for me?".

It goes without saying, the obvious boxes that your counsellor should tick include:

• Counselling qualification from a recognised training institution;

• Professional registration with a counselling association, like the Australian Counselling Association

However, there are other 'non-negotiables' that need to be factored into your decision to go with a particular therapist over another.

Here are three simple, yet profound, questions to ask when considering a counsellor:

1. Does this therapist ‘GET ME’?

This is an important question to ask because you are seeking to enter a therapeutic relationship with a professional person who has a level of empathy that enables him to connect with you and your story.

’Feeling with you’ and what you are going through, is a condition that is core to any therapeutic alliance. (Remember, you are looking for empathy (feeling with) more so than ‘sympathy’ (feeling for) ).

So, empathy is an important factor that needs to be taken into consideration.

2. Am I being treated with RESPECT and NON-JUDGMENTALISM?

This may seem like an obvious one, but should certainly not be overlooked. Irrespective of your background, your race, your job-type or any other distinctives that form part of your story, you deserve to be respected and not judged.

Any therapist worth his salt will endeavour to meet you where you are at in your journey and navigate said journey with you, respectfully and empathetically. If, for any reason your counsellor feels that his skillset is not compatible with your needs then he should be professional about this and refer you to other possible counsellors who may be better suited to your particular situation.

The bottom line is you have the right to be respected and not judged.

3. Is this counsellor GENUINE?

As human beings we all tend to wear masks at times and in different situations, disclosing more about our true self only in situations where mutual trust has been established. However, even though you may not know everything there is to know about your prospective therapist, the reality is genuineness can, in most cases, be sensed very early on in any relationship. You'll 'feel it' when your new therapist is being open and real with you. You'll know when what you are getting from your new therapist is a fabricated or truthful care, concern and counsel.

Of course, there are many more factors that could be considered - you may have a list of your own - however the elements of empathy, respect/non-judgmentalism and genuineness

are the non-negotiable conditions that underpin any therapeutic alliance/relationship and provide the best possible foundation for you and your therapist to build upon.

Where to start

Most counsellors offer a free initial consultation. By taking advantage of this opportunity, you'll be able (at least to some degree) to get a sense of the counsellor's empathy, respect and genuineness towards you, and decide from there if he is the best therapist for you.

All the best as you decide which therapist is best for you.

Team Samway

Grieving From a Distance (When THAT Phone Call Comes)

I was awoken in the early hours of 18th July 2019 by my buzzing phone next to my bed. The Caller ID showed a South African number…I knew instinctively that this was THAT call…that call that every immigrant dreads…

For me it was sad news as the voice on the other end, that of my eldest sister’s, broke the news “Mommy is gone…” It was a call that I knew would come someday…that someday was now here. (10 months later I would receive another one of THOSE calls, this time about the very sister that had phoned me to tell me about Mom…”Charl has left us…”).

When one makes the move overseas, the unwritten clause in the ‘fine print’ is that that call will come someday. The question this article addresses is not how to avoid that call – it is unavoidable and inevitable – but rather how to respond to that call when on the other side of the world.

• How does one say goodbye without being able to stand by the graveside of one’s departed loved one?

• How does one grieve from a distance and attain that much sought after ‘closure’?

Is this even possible.Well, in a nutshell, the answer is ‘Yes;’ it is possible to grieve from a distance, however, the reality is that grieving will look different, it may feel different, not radically different but different, nonetheless.

1. Absence of Physical Reminders

Because one is far removed from the situation, one is removed from the physical ‘in-your-face’ reminders.

- You are not seeing the empty seat at the dinner table.

- You are not there to see the favourite dress that will never be worn again.

- You’re not there to sort out the earthly possessions and pack up a lifetime of memories in a box.

Is this a good thing – that one does not have to ‘deal’ with these reminders? Or is it a hurdle that hampers/hinders one’s healing heart? That’s a question only you, as an individual can answer.

2. Not Being Part of the Process

No doubt, deaths in families have the potential to bring families together, not only physically but also emotionally. Often, irrespective of differences and distances over the years, the death of a loved one, in many cases, causes the ‘feuding weapons’ to be laid aside at least for a while, as everyone pulls together to support one another and as a final gesture of love for the deceased, contribute time, finances and resources to making the funeral service one that does justice to the memory of one’s beloved.

However, what’s missing from the beautiful picture of solidarity? Who is not able to make his/her contribution as ‘effectively’ as those present? It’s you…it’s me…it’s the countless number of immigrants the world over who could not make it home neither to give, nor to receive the family support as much as one would have like to. How are you dealing with that?

3. Unable to Attend Funeral Service

If cost is not a factor for one to hop on a plane and make the journey back home to attend the funeral, then certainly in our modern day, a global pandemic is. International travel is pretty much shut down. The irony is the very pandemic that is giving rise to increased funeral services the world over is the very same thing preventing loved ones from attending those funeral services, due to travel restrictions and social distancing requirements.

Once again, one of the very physical acts of ‘saying good-bye’ – funeral attendance – one is deprived of by the double-edged sword of pandemic and immigration. How do you deal with this? Given, technology helps – Facebook live, Zoom, etc.…but is this good enough for you in your journey to wholeness? Or is further processing needed once the laptop is shut down?

Grief is real; grieving is necessary; grief is very personal and varies from person to person – some may need several weeks, for others it may take years. Some, or all, of the various stages of grief may be experienced, including:

• denial

• anger

• bargaining

• depression

• acceptance

An added aspect for the grieving immigrant is guilt.

• Guilt over not being there;

• guilt about not saying goodbye,

• guilt about the load having to be carried by other members of the family who are present.

May this guilt, however, not overshadow your season of grieving. The truth about grieving from a distance is that indeed it will look different, it may feel different, not radically different but different, nonetheless.

If you decide you need help coping with the feelings and changes of having to ‘grieve from a distance’ then speaking to a Counsellor is a good resource for processing your feelings and finding a sense of assurance in these very heavy and weighty emotions.

Make contact with Samway Counselling Services today and let us journey together.